Depression.

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Ever felt tired? Not physically this time, mentally and spiritually tired. Have you?

Ever felt like depression just won’t leave you alone?

Same.

I’ve felt the best I have in my entire life from my pre-birthday up until today (exactly 8 hours ago). I felt amazing. My heart and spirit were singing. My aura was elated and if I could’ve managed, I would’ve backflipped and jumped for joy for hours. I really did feel phenomenal. Phenomenal is even merely scraping the surface of how I felt.

I felt alive.

I felt like how I feel when I’m about to eat pizza/cheesecake/okras. I felt renewed. Rejuvenated.  I felt so excited and happy to be alive. This feeling is inexplicable really. It’s the butterflies in your stomach, the nervousness and sweaty palms. It’s wanting to hear their voice before you go to sleep and as soon as you awaken from your slumber. It’s yearning for their touch on your best and worse day and feeling loved; it’s the love.

Baby, it’s love.

I must admit, I’m in love. I’m so deeply in love and it transcends through me and surrounds me. Oh, yes. I’m in love. Starry eyed and butterflies. Kisses that fill your being and almost bring tears to your eyes. It feels good to be loved. It feels good to be appreciated, such bliss to be adored, but throughout all of this depression still comes knocking at my door.

I’m tired of depression creeping up on me. Choking me secretly. It’s as if I can’t enjoy these moments…doubts set in, insecurities flair up and I wonder why me? Why me? Can’t I just enjoy my happiness without sadness straddling me? Can’t I drink him into my memories without wondering if he’s sure he wants me? I then go on to list all of my flaws and stare at him questionably. Mentally asking if he’s sure. Mental battle with no words echoed.

Depression is a stifling bitch.

I’ve tried many things to stop feeling depressed. I write it out,cry it away, sleep it away and sometimes I just stay silent and hope it passes with the wind. I ignore my depression and act as if I’m not screaming inside, dying inside and then I try to hide from myself. This shit isn’t good for my health.

Not sure if depression is something to conquer overall, because we all have bad days, but I assure you it’s about how we overcome depression as it tackles us.

It’s not easy, I’d never pretend-it’s a work in progress. It’s like a full time job and your boss is a pest. All in all, it’s about not completely succumbing to your sadness, your fears and gloomy days. It’s about going on despite your silent burden. It’s about moving through it even when you falter.

It’s one step at a  time.

Take it one step at a time. Wallow a bit if you must. Just no matter what, don’t give up.

Baby, don’t give up.

-DiandraC.
6/June 2017

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